


washington, d.c. (d is for dick)

by sarcastissa, SnorkleShit



Series: coffee mouths [9]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Airplanes, Airports, Alternate Universe - College/University, Awkward Boners, Character Death, Character Development, Felix is a dick, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Inspired by Roleplay/Roleplay Adaptation, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Domestic Violence, Rape Recovery, Roleplay, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Hatred, Sick Character, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Washington is a dick, dying character, who also needs a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-12
Updated: 2015-04-12
Packaged: 2018-03-07 05:53:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 21,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3163706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarcastissa/pseuds/sarcastissa, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SnorkleShit/pseuds/SnorkleShit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>tucker and wash take a trip to D.C. to visit tucker's dying uncle</p><p>------------------</p><p>roleplay between destielswingsmyheartacrosstheline and myself on tumblr adapted onto here</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. constellations

**Author's Note:**

> "Home's face: how it ages when you're away  
> Spring blooms and you find the love that's true  
> But you don't know what now to do  
> Cause the chase is all you know  
> And she stopped running months ago
> 
> And all you see  
> Is where else you could be  
> When you're at home  
> Out on the street  
> Are so many possibilities  
> To not be alone"  
> -Death Cab for Cutie "Your Heart is an Empty Room"

Washington watched Tucker as he typed in his phone on the other side of the bed, a content smile on his face. It has been a week since the new year party, and things seemed to be going smoothly. Although it might be just in his head, couldn’t help but feel like their relationship had become slightly unbalanced. Tucker had exposed himself, trusted Wash with some of the darkest parts of himself, trusted him. And Washington’s throat clenched itself up every time he even thought about letting Tucker in, telling him the truth. About he depth of his feelings for him, about Maine and his past…

He wanted desperately to even it, to prove how much he trusted Tucker.

He let his eyes roamed over the lines of his boyfriends neck and collarbones as he mused on the problem. Suddenly. A light bulb lit up. He turned away from Tucker, and leaned over the edge of the bed to riffle through his bag, he pulled out a sharpie, and turned back towards Tucker with a grin.

“Wanna play connect the dots?”

Tucker looked up at Wash and grinned as he understood and set his phone down beside him on the bed.

Wash wasn’t the only one who had felt the shift. The scales of their relationship had shifted and Tucker wasn’t quite sure what to do about it. He didn’t want to pressure Wash into opening up, but he also had begun to feel a bit…alone. Like he was falling deeper into this relationship than Wash was. It made him feel insecure in his place by Wash. As if this was maybe the beginning of the end. Wash realizing how much Tucker is messed up and being nice enough to just ice him out gradually.

But it also felt like every time his mind went down that rabbit hole, Wash would grab his hand or smile at him or kiss him and all of his worries would melt away.

He reached over and plucked the marker from Wash’s hands and leaned up to kiss him. “Ready for dicks all over your back?”

Wash laughed, sitting up in the bed. “I’m really glad nobody is around to hear that out of context.” He said, and then pulled his t shirt over his head and dropped it on the floor next to the bed. He felt the familiar nervousness of taking off his shirt, but he pushed it away. He could do this- he wanted to do this. Really badly.

Tucker scoffed. “Context is for losers.” He let his fingers ghost over Wash’s back as he looked for some patterns to exploit. “If I wrote ‘this booty is the property of L. Tucker’ on you, how pissed would you be?”

"I’d beat it with pride." Washington said, forcing himself to focus on the warmth of Tucker’s fingers, as opposed to the scars and the shame that burned in his throat every time they were exposed to open air.

"You okay?" Tucker asked gently, tracing from freckle to freckle on Wash’s back, looking to make the outline of a dick.

"I’m fine. Is it alright if I lie down on my stomach?" Washington asked.

Tucker nodded. “Yeah. Do you wanna start with a bit of a back rub, you seem super tense.”

Wash hesitated, then nodded. “That actually sounds super nice, if you're okay with that.” He said with a smile, turning and getting comfortable on his stomach, folding his hands under his chin.  
"Wouldn’t have offered if I wasn’t okay with it, babe," Tucker got on his knees and straddled Wash’s legs, hands moving up his hands up Wash’s freckled back, using just enough pressure to alleviate the tension. "This okay?" He asked.

Washington braced his mind to face the familiar rise of dread that came with being pinned down or touched for long periods of time, and was surprised when it did not come. A slight tightness in his throat was all, and he let himself relax, sinking into the mattress.

"Yeah. Don’t worry, I’ll tell you if something isn’t okay."

Tucker hummed in response, a small smile on his face as he began to map out Wash’s back. He was careful not to press too hard at first, mentally squaring away where Wash had knots, how bad they were, and which to take care of first. He kneaded experimentally at the knot underneath the long scar in between his shoulder blades, keeping one eye on Wash to study how he’d react.

Wash winced slightly at first, but then hummed softly.

"It’s a real bitch, that one. Maybe worse than Tex." He joked.

Tucker chuckled and began to work at the knot. “On your scale of bitchiness, is Carolina worse or better than Tex? Also, where is South on this scale?”

"I regret my previous statement. That is not a conversation you wanna have, because they’ll find out about I somehow, truuusssttt me." Washington laughed softly. "Having fun up there? You're really good at this."

Tucker hummed. He slid his hands down to Wash’s lower back and leaned forward to kiss Wash’s should. “I’m having so much fun. You can’t tell, but I’m looking for spots where you’re ticklish or at least—ahem—sensitive.”

Washington smiled.

"Ah…Should have known you had ulterior motives, you fiend. Good luck, the only spot I can remember is the back of my neck. And my hip bones. Which I probably shouldn’t have told you…"

Tucker smiled and moved one hand “Here?” He asked as he pressed his fingers into Wash’s left hip and pressed another kiss to Wash’s shoulder.

Wash sighed happily as his spine tingled, momentarily wishing that he could reciprocate the kiss. But he’d have plenty of time for that later.

Tucker smiled and brushed his nose against Wash’s jaw as he sat back up and resumed massaging out the knot. “This might hurt a bit because this knot is huge, but I’ll try and make it go away as fast as possible and I’ll stop whenever you want, okay?”

Wash nodded to the best of his ability, and relaxed his body. “I’m good. Go for it, ace.”

Tucker hesitated briefly before letting his thumbs dig into Wash’s back. He felt the knot begin to fade underneath his hands but knew from experience how the feeling must be bittersweet for Wash.

Wash flinched at first, but then sighed happily at the feeling of the knot letting go slowly.

Tucker made a triumphant noise as the knot finally gave way and leaned down to kiss it gently. “Now take a deep breath and find out how good I am with my hands.”

"Holy shit." Washington replied after he did as Tucker asked. "♪ It’s a whole new world…" He sang softly, grinning up at Tucker from the turn of his head.

Tucker laughed and leaned down again to kiss his cheek. “I love--” He stopped, freezing a but as those three words began to fall out. “Your singing. Like goddamn.”

Washington caught the slip up, and while it did make his heart beat faster, he didn’t even think about chasing after it. He understood, he wasn’t quite ready to say it either. It made him feel a little better, knowing he wasn’t the only one.

"How is that even possible, I have the worst voice in town. I only sing for fun."

Tucker shook his head and sighed in relief as he uncapped the marker and began writing on Wash’s back. “Maybe I’m just used to it, maybe I’m blinded by everything else you’re amazing at, maybe its because it reminds me of our first kiss.”

The feeling of the wet felt dragging steadily over his skin was surprisingly pleasant.

"That was pretty Hallmark worthy."

"Shut up," Tucker told him playfully. "You love all of the romance and sappiness." He signed his name and snickered to himself before starting in on all of the dick drawings he was going to do.

Washington smiled to himself.

"You’ve got me there."

It was refreshing, really. He’s never been in such a romantic relationship, and it was just so…uplifting.

Tucker drew another dick and then a little heart. He paused and looked up at Wash. “There’s no way that you can actually see these, right?”

"I doubt it, it would take some contorting. Why, are you trying swastikas as or some shit?" He asked.

"Nah, just wondering," Tucker shrugged and drew another dick, making this one hairy. "Oh hey, I might go to D.C. next week." He tried to make it sound casual and hide the anxiety that was bristling in him at thought. His aunt had called him the other night to inform him that his uncle had bought him a ticket to fly out. His aunt never called him. His aunt didn’t like him.

Which meant that his uncle was too sick to call him himself.

Washington raised an eyebrow, although Tucker probably couldn’t see it.

"To see your uncle? How’s he doing?" He asked, treading carefully.

Tucker hand slipped and he cursed quietly before making the little dash into another dick. “Just so you know, I gave you a helluva lot of warning about what I was gonna draw,” He tried to joke. He sighed through his nose before gnawing at his lip. “He’s not good. I didn’t get any specifics, but my aunt was the one who called and…she didn’t really sound happy. Also she’d never call me if she could get out of it.”

Washington felt his heart grow slightly heavier.

"I’m sorry. That’s…how long are you gonna be there?"

Tucker shrugged before remembering that Wash couldn’t actually see him. “I don’t know. I have to get Junior out of school for a while and convince my mother that I’m not kidnapping him.” He chuckled humorlessly as he doodled a violin. “I have to check up on airline regulations. And my uncle thinks…he wants to meet you. So he wanted me to ask you to come.”

Washington blinked, silent for a moment.

"Do you want me to go? Because I will, I’d love to, if you did. But I won’t if you don’t."

"I’d love for you to come," Tucker told him quickly. "I’d love for you to meet Uncle Mike and Aunt Ella. But we’d be across the country for an indefinite amount of time, I can’t ask you to do that."

"It’s not a problem." Washington answered with a sure voice.

Tucker’s hands stopped as his flicked up to the back of Wash’s head. “Are you sure?”

"Of course." Washington assured him. "I really want to go. I want to meet them, and I want to see D.C, and I want to be there to support you."

Tucker capped the pen and climbed off of Wash and back on the bed. “Can you sit up for me?”

Wash sat up slowly, rolling his shoulders and stretching his arms above his head before turning to face Tucker.

"Well, I’m gonna be honest, that was easier for me than I thought. I mean, still, if it were anyone else, I’d probably rather die than let them touch my back." Washington’s lazy, happy smile widened. "But you're different. Was it fun?"

Tucker used one hand to cup Wash’s jaw and leaned forward to kiss him gently. He brought the other to Wash’s hair and pressed against him.

Right. Maybe sitting shirtless in bed after a massage from your boyfriend wasn’t the best time to talk.

Washington moved with the kiss, letting his hands move to rest on Tucker’s hip bones, curve of his back bowing as he leaned into Tucker’s arms, moving with the flow of his mouth and his hands.

Tucker pulled away enough to rest his forehead against Wash’s. “Sorry, I just…you do this thing where you say something and I either have to kiss you or I’ll explode.” He chuckled to himself and pressed a soft kiss to Wash’s lips.

"Maybe I should talk more then. Did you know that they would build the roof before the rest of the house in ancient China?" He asked. He knew that wasn’t what Tucker had been referring to, but he liked to tease Tucker. Probably because he knew it was all good natured, and that Tucker would never choke him or some shit for making sarcastic remarks.

Tucker laughed and kissed Wash again. “Such a romantic.”

"At least I didn’t mention how they would commit suicide by eating a pound of salt." He replied, then chased after the kiss to return it, reaching up with one hand to play with the ends of Tucker’s well kept dreads.

Tucker shook his head and pressed up against Wash again, moving both of his hands to thread his fingers through Wash’s short blond hair. “I’m glad you’re coming to D.C. with us.” He grinned against Wash’s lips.

"I’m excited. Well, not for your uncle being sick. That’s not exciting." Washington cringed at his clumsy words.

Tucker chuckled and winced slightly but shook his head. He turned and rested his forehead on Wash’s shoulder. “Its okay. I get it. I’m excited too.”

"I’m sure everything will turn out fine." Wash said hopefully.

Tucker hummed in response and wrapped his arms around Wash’s neck in a tight hug.

"Thanks for the collage of dicks." He said softly, smirking.

Tucker chuckled and snuggled closer to Wash. “It was my pleasure, really.”


	2. airplane food, amirite?

A WEEK LATER

——

"That’s…a really interesting fact, Junior." Wash tried not to grimace at the knowledge that the young boy was spewing out about airplane accidents as they waited in line to board.

Tucker shoved his and Junior’s duffel bags into the overhead cabinet. “Junior, you’ll be asleep within five minutes. Don’t worry about it.”

"No, but 80% of plane crashes happen in either the first three minutes or the last eight of being in the air. That meanings that the likelihood of use surviving five minutes—"

Tucker shushed Junior as he spotted two other kids looking at them with scared expression. “Junior, its five in the morning and you’re scaring small children.”

"Psh, small children scare me…but your brothers right, we’ll be fine. And if we do die, I owe you money in the afterlife." Wash yawned.

Tucker sat down and got his seat belt nice and tight. He leaned his head back and sighed in relief because they were finally out of the goddamn airport.

"You should try not to get up or unbuckle your seat belt. 99% of accidents on airplanes happen because of turbulence, which is getting worse due to rising carbon dioxide levels." Junior rattled on. Tucker sighed and laced his fingers through Wash, trying not to let his little brother know how much the facts were starting to get to him.

Washington gave Tucker’s hand a reassuring squeeze, then turned towards Junior.

"I really wanna hear more, but I don’t think the other passengers do. How about you just tell me quietly, so as not to cause a panic? Panicking passengers probably increases or chance at an accident, don’t you think?" He said matter of factly, with a face that said he was genuinely interested in what Junior had to say.

Tucker groaned softly and used his free hand to dig out a pack of gum and handed a piece each for Junior and Wash before grabbing one himself. “It helps with your ears popping whenever we take off.” He explained his his confused brother who nodded his acceptance and popped the gum into his mouth before turning to address Wash.

Junior continued his airplane facts in a whisper. “Do you know how long you have to escape the plane while its on fire before it explodes?”

Washington thanked Tucker, and popped the gum in his mouth. He turned back to Junior.  
"I’m assuming not long." He whispered.

"90 seconds," Tucker muttered as Junior whispered the same thing with foreboding.

Tucker sighed and leaned back, chewing his gum as he tried not to focus on the plane.

Washington squeezed Tucker’s hand. 

"Honestly, I’m surprised you guys are so afraid. When have you ever let random facts deter you from some fun?"

Junior bit the inside of his cheek and looked down at his hands as he fiddled with them. “Its just a little overwhelming.”

Tucker dug in the bag underneath his feet and retrieved a pillow and blanket and tossed them both at Junior. “Pretend its a train, remember? That trip to Dallas?” Junior smiled at the memory and nodded, stuffing the pillow behind his neck and curling up in the blanket as the plane began to taxi and the flight attendant began to go over the safety precautions.

Way to say something stupid, Washington chastised himself. He was nervous himself, and not just about dying in a plane crash. Apparently trying to make light of the situation wouldn’t help. He rested his head on his chin and stared ahead as if paying attention to the safety guidelines , when really his mind was lost in thought. 

Was he making the right decision, coming with them? Was he just intruding in a situation beyond him? What if he just fucked up and made things more awkward, just made things worse just like he always did? He was so useless, why did he insist on coming when everything just fell apart and other people had to pick up his mess? Why couldn’t he just do things right without all this confusion and doubt? Why couldn’t he just do things right? Why did Tucker even want him here? 

It was a mystery that Tucker wanted him around at all, let alone a pivotal time like this. He shouldn’t be here, he didn’t deserve to be here, to be so trusted when all he did was fuck up. Tucker wouldn’t want him here if he knew the truth-

He blinked. He was digging his own nails into his palm, like tiny daggers curling in on himself. He took a deep breathe.

No, that wasn’t true. That was Maine talking, not him. He tried to push those thoughts out of his head. Tucker cared about him, possibly loved him. Knowing the truth wouldn’t change that, he knew deep down. If only he could work up the courage…

He was doing the right thing. He wasn’t going to fuck up. This was just a friendly trip. A little emotional, and Wash was just here for emotional support. He could do this.

Besides, this wasn’t about him.

Tucker felt it as beside him Wash tensed. He studied the blond’s face and recognized his self-hating look. He gnawed on his lip, mentally wondering what he should do, before deciding.

He squeezed Wash’s hand and leaned his against his shoulder. “I’m really happy you came with us. I know that the circumstances are absolute shit and I might get all _emotional_ again, but it really means a lot that you dragged my sorry ass out of bed at three a.m. to hop on a plane with me to stay across the country for an indefinite amount of time.” He brought their joined hands up and pressed a kiss to Wash’s knuckles. “You really are…something amazing.”

"I like that you’re here, too. And that you bought my favorite cereal last week. That was really cool," Junior mumbled. "Can we compliment me now? Is that how this game works?"

Blushing furiously and unsure how to react to the random amount of praise, he went with the flow and turned to Junior.

"I love how well your write songs. It’s something I can never imagine doing. Talk about talented." He said, smiling.

He would not tear up on a plane, he would not.

He squeezed Tucker’s hand in return, hoping to convey his thanks without words. He wasn’t the best with words, after all.

"The way you never apologize for putting your cold feet on me is fucking incredible," Tucker told Junior sarcastically.

"Shut up, dummy," Junior stuck his tongue out at Tucker, who gasped dramatically.

"You wound me, brother!" He snuggled against Wash’s shoulder and pretended to cry while Junior giggled. "Wash, he made fun of me and hurt my feelings!"

They weren’t stressing over the plane ride, Wash noticed.

"How am I supposed to defend your honor against your own brother? Alas, a conundrum."

Tucker drew his eyebrows together and upward in an overly dramatic sad face. “But my brother is the one who hurts me most.” Junior giggled.

"Yeah I do!" He declared.

"You're doomed then, I guess." Wash shrugged, trying not to laugh.

"My white knight, everybody." Tucker deadpanned. "Your mind is where romance goes to die."

"Don’t blame me, my parents weren’t all that romance orientated. I never got the chance to learn and now I’m stranded in a sea of romance holding a red bull coffee abomination with a question mark over my head."

Tucker’s eyes crinkled as he laughed and leaned over and kissed Wash’s cheek. “I’ve never heard a more accurate description of myself.”

Junior shuffled uncomfortably before huffing and putting his pillow on Wash’s arm and getting as comfortable as he could. He let out a content sigh before closing his eyes to try to sleep.

Wash blinked down at him, smiled, and made a mental note not to move his arm an inch.

"Really great kid you’ve got, babe." He whispered to Tucker.

Tucker smiled and kissed Wash’s cheek. “I know. I’m so glad that you two get along.”

"I’ve always been good with kids. Always wanted them, eventually. Not anytime soon, dear god." He whispered, horrified at the thought of trying to raise a baby at his current mental state.

Tucker chuckled and shook his head. He shrugged a bit. “I’m good with Junior but the prospect of having kids kind of scares the shit outta me.”

"You’d make an amazing father. In most ways, you already are." He added, jerking his free thumb towards the sleeping teenager. "Considering what you told me about everything, it worries me to think where this little tyke would be without you. You should take pride in your excellent parental instincts."

Tucker blushed and looked down, rubbing his thumb over Wash’s fingers. “I’m not his ‘capitol D big deal _Dad_ ’ though. The idea of being in charge of not screwing up a kid and the responsibility to protect one are two very different things.”

"I think they align more often than you think at first. Not screwing up a kid is part of protecting them. Protecting them from making your mistakes, or from feeling the pain you’ve felt, or from the world’s injustice in itself. My parents focused too much on kindness, and then weren’t kind to me. So much, that I was always terrified of being unkind, which got me in some tough spots. Sorry, I’m being melodramatic. I’m not trying to lecture you, I’m really not an expert. I was just trying to compliment you. I’d never be able to do what you’ve done."

Tucker shook his head and leaned up to kiss Wash gently, ignoring the couple two rows up that had been sending them glares since they started holding hands.

Wash resisted sinking into the kiss- this was an enclosed public setting, and he wasn’t in the mood to get his ass kicked in an airplane bathroom.

"We’re in the air now, in case you missed it."

Tucker chuckled. “I didn’t miss it. I had more important things to focus on.”

"Junior is pretty important." He replied without missing a beat, grinning knowingly.

Tucker sighed and used his free hand to tap on Wash’s forehead. “You hear that? That’s dead romance, rattling around in your skull. Rest in peace.”

"More like rest in pieces. Shattered long ago, alas." He sighed dramatically.

Tucker laughed and shook his head. “You’re so…” He sighed and stared at Wash with a small smile. “Amazing.”

Wash grinned at the compliment. The irrational part of him, the same one that wouldn’t let him tell his friends Maine was abusing him in high school and the one that wouldn’t let him open up to Wash now, told him Tucker wouldn’t think he was amazing if he ever told him the truth. The other part of him- the part that fought against Maine and wanted so badly to tell Tucker- knew for a fucking fact Tucker would only think he was more amazing. He knew that it hadn’t been his fault. 

He knew Tucker would respect him more. That the trust between them would only grow and their relationship could only benefit. The rational part of him knew that Tucker wouldn’t reject him for being a victim. 

He hated the irrational part of himself so much it gave him headaches, the constant battle between the two.

"Your amazing too."

Tucker grinned and rested his head against Wash’s shoulder again. He swallowed at the compliment, trying not to outright reject it. He squeezed their joined hands and let out a content sigh.

"You can go to sleep on me, if you want." Washington told him.

"Wouldn’t wanna leave you awake all alone," Tucker protested as he fought off a yawn, but ultimately lost.

Wash reached up to stroke his hair.

"I’ve always had an easy time staying awake. You guys deserve some rest. I’ll watch over you. Trust me, I need some peace and quiet to prepare for the noise of a big city. Sleep, babe."

Tucker hummed happily at the feeling of Wash’s hand in his hair and felt his eyelids droop. “Night, babe.” He mumbled, mentally adding an ‘I love you’ that he wasn’t quite ready to say out loud.

Washington just smiled, and stared up at the ceiling, lost in thought while the others slept.

Three hours later, Tucker was massaging his forehead with one hand as he tried to find their luggage. “Gate 31,” He gritted out through his teeth at the man who was giving him an irritated look. “Has the luggage from a plane from London. We’re from Valhalla.”

Wash and Junior stood behind him, and Wash swallowed before stepping forward to help. He leaned over to smile brightly at the man behind the counter.

"Sorry, it’s been such a long flight- but i’m sure you hear that every day. I really don’t want to make your job harder, so if you’d be so kind- where was the luggage from London supposed to be directed itself? I’m sure it’s just an easy mix up."

The man huffed and typed on his computer, bringing up the London flight. “Gate 12.” 

“Okay, gate 12. Where is that?” Tucker asked impatiently. 

“On the other side of the airport, _sir_.” 

Tucker sighed heavily. “Of course it is.”

Wash rested his hand on Tucker’s shoulder.

"You guys stay here, I’ll go check to see if it’s there at all. No use everybody making the trip. Just- go get something to eat at the restaurant over there, okay? I’ll call you if I find the stuff, which I’m sure I will, okay?" He offered.

Tucker sighed in relief and hugged Wash dramatically. “You’re a saint and I don’t deserve you.” He mumbled as Junior giggled. “Pick out what you want and we’ll get some for you, too.”

Washington shook his head. “You don’t have to do that, I ate some peanuts on the plane, they were surprisingly fulfilling.”

Truth be told, he was starving, but he didn’t like the idea of having Tucker spend money on him and then have to bring the food all the way across the airport once Wash found the luggage. He yearned to make this trip as easy on the two of them as possible. It was the least he could do while he struggled with this imbalance in their relationship. It was all his fault and he knew it. As if Tucker didn’t have enough on his plate, he had to suffer through Wash being a piece of shit who couldn’t seem to win the pathetic constant war waging inside himself.

Tucker shook his head. “Shut up and let me buy you a burger or I swear to god, I will not let go of you. If you’re dead set on it, you can pay me pack but you skipped breakfast and dealt with me and my brother—”

"Hey! Don’t lump me in with you!"

"All day. Let me buy you lunch." Tucker finished, ignoring Junior’s interruption.

Washington turned his head towards the direction he had to walk.

"I’m not even trying to be noble, I’m really not hungry. But thanks."

He paused, something he didn’t recognize churning in his stomach.

"And I don’t do anything I don’t want to do, Tucker, trust me on that." He said, and unintentional edge in his voice.

He covered it by flashing a slightly forced grin back at them, and started walking towards the other Gate before they could say anything else.

Tucker huffed and bit the inside of his cheek as he watched Wash walk away. 

“Fine. Your pick, big guy,” He gave Junior a tired and forced smile. He felt like someone had knocked the wind out of him. Well, not someone. Wash. He told himself not to worry about it, but in the back of his mind he could hear Felix’s voice, telling him that Wash was tired of his clinginess, that this was the beginning of the end. 

But this trip really wasn’t about Wash. It was about Tucker’s dying uncle. So he shook his head. Only one thing would get him down in D.C. and he refused for it to be the only person that made him feel better. 

“Can we have McDonald’s?” Junior asked in a small voice, hyper aware of his brother’s emotional state. 

“You know what, kid? I’d love some chicken nuggets.”

He was halfway through the airport when the weird anger in his stomach dissipated and his focus on finding the bags swayed, and he realized he was alone surrounded by strangers. He shook the anxiety outbid his head and pressed onward, focusing on finding their luggage. It seemed like forever before he found the Gate the guy had specified, and sighed in relief when he located their bags. He dragged them all off the thing, and pulled out his phone to click Tucker’s contact icon.

Tucker saw the call after he and Junior had both sat down with their share of French fries and chicken nuggets. He sighed and gnawed on his bottom lips before answering. “Hey, lover.” He answered, going to his obnoxious façade to hide the self doubt rearing in his gut.

He was only partially surprised.  
"Heyo, baby doll. I got the shit, you can come meet me whenever you want."

"We’ll be right there," Tucker hung up and shoved his phone into his pocket. He took a deep breath and gave Junior a smile. "Let’s go meet Wash at the gate." He shoved their food into the bag, letting Junior keep his fries.

Junior was quiet while they began to make their way over to Wash. “Tucker, why did Wash seem so…?”

Tucker frowned. It was one thing for Wash’s actions to bother him, but his little brother? Oh hell no. “Don’t worry about it, bro. Travel tends to make people cranky.” He made a mental note to talk to Wash about appropriate behaviour around his little brother.

Wash smiled when the other two finally came into view.

"Who’s the knight in shining armor now, eh!" He joked, gesturing to the bags.

Tucker gave Wash a tight smile. “Truly you are my hero.”

Junior frowned a bit and held Tucker’s hand that wasn’t occupied with the food. He looked at Wash cautiously, as if he was going to randomly start being cold again.

Wash really hated his unreliable mouth. It wasn’t like he’d meant to be weird, something about Tucker’s words had just made something in him twist. He suddenly found his smile harder to maintain. God, they’d only been here a few minutes and he was already fucking shit up. He dug his fingernails into his palm till they almost broke skin, but hide it away from view in his pocket, using the zing off pain to ground himself.

"Was the food good? I hear a lot about airplane food, but not about airport food. Do we have a rental car or are we going some other way?" He asked, trying to make himself sound easy going.

Tucker shrugged casually, “Its McDonald’s. It’s great until you finish and realize that you just ate McDonald’s.” He bit his lip to resist offering Wash some, trying not to open that can of worms again. “We have to wait a bit, Aunt Ella is sending the car.”

"Is she a nice woman? You don’t really talk about her much. Not that you have to or anything." Wash added quickly, internally cringing. He’s never felt so on edge and awkward around Tucker before. It made his heart hurt.

Tucker chuckled humorlessly and gave Wash a searching look. “Don’t worry, babe. I know you wouldn’t pressure me to talk about something, just like I wouldn’t you. Ella and Mike got married ten years ago and we just don’t get along. I thought she was taking my uncle away from me so I tried to ruin the wedding. Flowers foiled all of my attempts, though.” He bit his bottom lip to end his ramble and squeezed Junior’s hand. “There are a lot of people here, are you both okay?”

Junior nodded easily and munched on his fries.

"Yeah, I’m fine." Washington lied through his teeth. His skin was crawling and a slow trickle of blood from his nails ripping open his palm was making his hand sticky. He mentally cringed at Tucker’s veiled allusion to their current imbalance. Tucker was such a great, patient person, and Washington was just all dirty and awkward and kept fucking things up.

No, no, no. This wasn’t about him. Why was he so wound up in his own fucking head lately?

Tucker looked Wash up and down and was about to drop the subject whenever he saw the blood. He dropped Junior’s hand and the food and reached out to look at Wash’s. 

“You’re bleeding! What happened?” He looked up at his boyfriend, concern coloring his expression.

Junior sucked in a breath of concern, knowing that if Wash shrugged Tucker off this time it would be worse. He knew, first hand, how much Tucker loved people. He also knew how much it hurt Tucker whenever somebody he loved shrugged him off. Rejected him. Junior gave Wash a warning look. Tucker may hide it well, but ever since Felix laughed in his face at the prospect of getting married, Tucker didn’t handle rejection very well.

Wash froze. Ah, fuck. How could he have been so stupid? Now he’d fucked up again and all the attention was on him when this wasn’t supposed to be about him.

Better to go with surprise than admit he’d done it on purpose in a desperate attempt to ground himself. He pulled his fist out of his pocket and furrowed his brow.

"Jesus Christ, that’s fucking weird. Guess the crowd got to me. I really need to clip my nails, remind me to do that… It’s not that bad, babe, I just bleed easily. I’ll get a bandaid sometime today and you can kiss it better, okay? It doesn’t even hurt, I swear. Thanks for noticing that, I’m so spaced out. Must have been the plane ride. Jet lag is a cruel bitch, so they say." He added, casually wiping the blood on his black jeans. It really wasn’t a big deal to him, but he imagined it was to Tucker.

He turned to grin at Tucker slyly. “In the meantime, you can distract me from my agony with a kiss, if you want.”

Tucker sighed and smiled tightly at him. Wash was never one for PDA, or at least wasn’t used to it. He also flipped shit every time he saw Tucker bleeding and Tucker knew just how sensitive Wash’s hands were. “If I give you a kiss will you wash it? I enjoy having the minimal amount of sick people in my life,” He told Wash with a sad smile as he leaned up, hands on the blond’s shoulder and feet beginning to pick up off of the ground.

Junior sighed in relief that Wash hadn’t, frankly, acted like a dick again.

Washington pecked him on the lips and nodded. 

"Yeah sure, there’s a bathroom right over there. Call me if your aunt gets here before i’m out, i’ll be right back." he said, then turned to hurry towards the bathroom.

Tucker sighed and watched in concern as Wash disappeared from view before getting the bag of food from the floor and retrieving his own French fries from it. Junior gave him a look and Tucker nodded.

Something was wrong with Wash.

Wash curses under his breath at his own selfish stupid issues, and held his hand under the hot water unflinchingly. He’s grown used to pain. One way to develop a high pain tolerance: almost die. 

He hoped he could shake this weird funk he was in and focus on being there for Tucker and Junior. They deserved better. Especially right now.

"Junior!" The Tuckers turned around to find a tall woman wearing a tight red dress running over to them. Her hair was in tight braids and her dark skin seemed to shine under the fluorescent airport lights. She wrapped Junior up in a tight hug and laughed.

Tucker grimace. “Aunt Ella.”

She looked up at Tucker coldly. “Lavernius.”

Wash headed out of the bathroom in time to see a woman hugging Junior and glaring at Tucker. Ah, the infamous aunt. He shoved his hand in his pocket and stride forward to stand next to Tucker, smiling.

Tucker looked over at Wash and relaxed a bit with him there. He brushed his hand against Wash’s, wanting to know if the blond would be up to holding hands.

"You must be the boyfriend that Tucker rambles on and on about," Ella gave Wash a warm smile, but Junior wasn’t about to let her go. This is how it went with him. He’d start talking and leaving Ella’s side in a couple of hours. Until then, she was his and nobody could say any different.

Washington entangled his fingers with Tucker’s.

"Hi, I’m David, but you can call me Wash if you want."

“I’m Ella,” She grinned before turning to Tucker and looking at him like he’s an ink blotch on a masterpiece. “Did you feed this boy McDonald's?”

Tucker sighed and leaned his forehead against Wash’s shoulder. “And so it begins.” 

Ella huffed. “For goodness sakes, Lavernius, you’re so dramatic.”

Washington felt a flicker of annoyance at her dislike of Tucker, but he supposed that can of worms wasn’t his business. Being here for Tucker was.

"He’s just tired, and McDonalds was my idea, sorry. Should we get going?"

Tucker turned to Wash in surprise. He’d lied. The question was, did he lie because Ella was on his nerves, he really wanted to get to the hotel, or did he lie to spare Tucker from having to deal with Ella? Either way, Tucker gave his hand a grateful squeeze as Ella floundered a bit at the bluntness.

"Right, so you two are staying at a hotel and Junior here is coming with me, right?" She asked in a polite tone, earning a nod from both Tuckers.

"If that’s okay with Tucker. I go wherever he wants." Washington said, shrugging.

Tucker gave Wash a fond look and leaned up to kiss his cheek. “To the hotel we go.”


	3. dreamcatchers (and other metaphorical shit I don't have time for)

Tucker sighed in relief as he unlocked the suite and walked inside. The room was huge and beautiful, decorated in blues and golds. There was a sitting/kitchen area with a plush off-white sofa, throw pillows, a table with two chairs, a mini bar, a sink, and a dark counter. In a corner opposite to the couch, there was a flat screen TV mounted to wall.

Off the the side of the room was a bathroom that was the definition of luxurious, and through another door a bedroom that had Tucker redefining luxurious.

"Well, fuck. I guess he really went all out." Tucker blinked owlishly around him, gently setting down his bags and suitcase. "I feel like I’m gonna break something by breathing on it."

Wash grinned. “Well, if you do, I already located the broom cupboard. So, you wanna catch some more Z’s before we go to see Mike?”

Tucker laughed and turned around to loop his arms around Wash’s neck. “You’re hilarious.” He muttered before pressing a kiss to the blond’s lip.

Washington allowed himself to sink into this kiss, taking a momentary refuge from the downward spiral in his mind to enjoy his boyfriend’s undeserved attention.

Tucker pulled away and gave Wash a concerned look. “Are you alright?”

Wash frowned in confusion, as if he was surprised by the question. “Just a little frazzled, I guess. But this isn’t about me, I’m just trying to make things easier on you. I’m sorry if I came off as weird or something, I didn’t mean to.”

Tucker’s expression softened. “Babe, its okay. You had Junior worried, though. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

"I really didn’t mean to. I just keep psyching myself out, I guess I’m just a little on edge. I’ll try to be better. Maybe I just need some sleep." Wash shrugged.

"Sleep sounds like a fantastic idea, but we should unpack and get settled in first," Tucker mumbled as he rested his forehead on Wash’s shoulder and let his eyes close.

Wash groaned. “An eternal struggle.”

Tucker went limp against Wash and nodded. “Or we could just take a little nap and unpack later.” He yawned into Wash’s neck.

"It’s up to you. Hint: pick number two." He replied.

"But you’re so comfy," Tucker murmured. "I don’t wanna move."

"You can sleep on me if you want." Wash supplied.

Tucker chuckled and reluctantly pulled away. He scrubbed his hands over his face and kissed Wash’s cheek. “Go get settled, I need to find something in my bags.”

Wash wasted no time flipping onto the bed, watching with half lidded eyes as Tucker ruffled through his bags.

Tucker let out a little triumphant noise and pulled out the dreamcatcher that Wash gave him for Christmas and hooked it over a lamp beside to bed before sliding in next to Wash.

Washington blinked in surprise.

"I didn’t realize you liked it that much. Does it help?"

Tucker shrugged, a bit self conscious. “I don’t believe in spiritual mumbo jumbo, but I don’t know. I feel…safer with it. Its stupid.” He murmured, turning his face into his pillow.

Washington grinned, his downward spiral momentarily forgotten.

"It’s not stupid. It’s perfect. You deserve to feel safe, no matter what." Wash whispered, pressing a kiss to his shoulder.

Tucker looked over at Wash and grinned, rolling over to cuddle against him. “Sleep well, my love.” He murmured.

"Ditto, babe." He murmured. He let his eyes close and forgot his worries for a little bit, finally.


	4. hesitation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tucker and wash visiting uncle mike

Wash stared up at the towering white building. It rose above the other buildings, pristine and overbearing. 

“Impressive. Are you ready?”

Tucker let out a slow breath and gave Wash a forced smile. “Ready is relative. Junior and Ella are already there so we probably shouldn’t keep them waiting.”

Wash held out his hand for Tucker to hold as they started walking, unsure what other support he could offer at the moment.

Tucker squeezed Wash’s hand gratefully as they walked in. He headed over to reception area where a man in scrubs was clicking away on a computer.

“Excuse me, we’re looking for Michael Tucker’s room?” Tucker asked. The man looked up and smiled widely.

“Mike? You’re here for Mike? So you must be the other nephew,” The nurse’s smile faltered a bit before he took a breath. “Mike is three floors up. You’ll get out of the elevator, take the first left, and then follow the red tiles. Its room 128C.”

Wash mentally burns the instructions into his mind, and they started towards the elevator.  
This really wasn’t about him right now, but he couldn’t help the way his skin crawled at being in a hospital again. He forced the unease away.

As they rode the elevator up, Tucker leaned his head back against one of the side walls and sighed heavily. He brought their joined hands towards him and started playing with Wash’s finger, trying to distract himself from the panic attack on the edges of his brain.

Wash stared at the wall, wracking his brain for what to do in this situation. 

“At least there’s no elevator music.”

Tucker chuckled a bit and looked up at Wash. “Thanks again for doing all of this with me, you have no idea how much it means to me.” He looked back down at their hands. “Listen, this might get a little…nevermind.” He shook his head.

Wash glanced at him out of the corner of his eye.

“I get it. I’ll be here for you no matter what, okay? I’ll do anything I can to make it easier for you.” Even if I kinda suck, he mentally added.

Tucker nodded and started tracing from freckle to freckle on Wash’s hand. “Still, thank you. You didn’t have to do this.” He murmured before pressing a gentle kiss to the back of Wash’s palm, trying to convey his gratitude.

Wash smiled nervously. “I did it for selfish reasons. What would I do without you to shower me with affection for possibly weeks?”

Tucker chuckled. “Oh no, yeah, totally. I mean, what would you do without me? Study and live your life as per usual, I am sure, but where’s the fun in that?” He snarked as the doors opened. “Is this our floor?”

Wash nodded. “I think so. Don’t quote me, though, she said those instructions really fast… Aren’t we supposed to follow the blue tiles? Red tiles?”

“He said…” Tucker blew out a breath as they got off the elevator and looked at the way one red tile line went to their left and blue one to their right. “Something. I don’t know. Red vs blue.”

“What kind of bullshit is that? Is this some overrated video game? I think it was red tiles, though.”

“Wait, didn’t he say something about a turn before we follow the the tiles?” Tucker looked up at Wash with a confused face.

“Fuck. I have no idea. I’m sorry, I should have listened better..” He murmured, looking around as he scratched his head.

“You’re doing that thing again,” Tucker murmured as he looked around. “That thing where you blame yourself for everything vaguely wrong that happens.”

Wash stiffened. “Oh, sorry. I’ll…work on that. Was it left?” 

His stomach clenched and he felt like his throat had been tied in a knot, but at the same time he felt a bubble of warmth. Here Tucker was, calling him out on blaming himself for everything. He was suddenly plunged into a vivid memory of Maine’s hands around his throat, him scrambling unable to breathe as Maine hissed at him how everything was his fault, that everything he did was wrong.

He shook the flashback off, ignoring the bitter taste in his mouth. How the times has changed.

Tucker shrugged. “I don’t know, maybe.” Tucker gnawed at his lip as they started walking, thinking a bit on how to phrase his next question. “Hey, can I ask you a question?”

“Yeah, anything.” Wash replied, forcing a small smile in Tucker’s direction.

Tucker frowned up at Wash. “I was thinking about yesterday, at the airport, and I know you said that you were just frazzled and tired but…you’d tell me if I said something to set you off, right? You wouldn’t keep it a secret so that I wouldn’t have to worry about it? You’d tell me so that I know that I shouldn’t say stuff like that anymore?”

Wash faltered in his step, taken aback by the question. Damn, this guy could pick up on shit.

“Of course not, I-” he started to say, but then low and behold, the lie got stuck in his throat. He turned away, looking at the room numbers instead of Tucker’s sincere face.

“I’d tell you.” He straight out fucking lied.

Tucker paused, lips pursed as he felt like he’d been gutted.

Wash had never lied to him before. He casually took his hand from Wash’s and crossed his arms over his chest. “Room 128C, right?”

He knew he shouldn’t have lied, but he couldn’t do anything else. The very idea of saying the truth causes the irrational part of him to well up and block his throat from releasing any noise. Let alone the idea of gathering the courage to try and tell Tucker why he needed him not to say certain things. After all, it was his fault that other people had the ability to trigger him so much. He’d been too weak to stop the abuse, therefore it was his fault and he had to deal with the fallout. Tucker shouldn’t have to try and censor himself, especially at a time like this. 

“Yeah, that sounds right.”

Tucker breathed in slowly. This was how it started, right? The ending of a relationship started with lies. That’s what Flowers always said. Tucker swallowed thickly and wondered just how much time they had left. Before Wash pulled the plug.

He knew it. He knew that Wash was going to break up with him, was going to end the relationship gently. Why open up to someone you don’t plan to have in your life? He felt like there was an elephant sitting on his chest as he tried to breathe. After everything that happened, telling Wash about his father, Felix, his uncle is dying and now…

He tried to focus on his breathing, keep the panic away. Maybe he could pass it off as worry for Mike.

Wash sent glances of concern towards Tucker. He didn’t know how to deal with emotional Tucker. He just seemed to keep fucking it up. Tucker was probably aware of his lie and was pissed he was being such a dick at such a fragile time. He just didn’t know what to do to make it better, he didn’t know how to cope with these kinds of things.

And suddenly, Washington wished Tucker would just get angry at him. Would yell at him, hit him, shove him against the wall and tell him to stop being a piece of shit. Let the anger out now instead of waiting for the inevitable bombshell. He could deal with Tucker hitting him and yelling at him, he knew what to do with that. He deserved it, didn’t he? 

“Are you sure you want to do this? I mean, we could pretend to be lost for a little while longer if you need more time.”

Tucker tried to take a deep breath, but it was like there was no air. He scraped his hands over his face and tried to block out the flood of memories that came with a panic attack. Felix with that waiter, that time a kid punched him in fourth grade, waking up just in time to stop his mother from hurting Junior, not being quick enough to stop his father, getting kicked out, living on the streets.

He couldn’t breathe. “Just…just give…me a…give me a second,” He panted, one way blindly trying to find something to hold on to, something to steady him.

Everything was just happening too quickly, the smell of the hospital like a needle stabbing his brain through his nose, his scar aching like it was fresh, his heart hurting with the inevitable loss of Mike and Wash.

Wash moved forward and caught Tucker’s swaying figure, holding him up.

Was he having a panic attack? Shit shit shit shit. Okay, Wash, you have to stay calm or hell never get calm. Think about what you need to do- a quiet place! He looked around desperately, and spotted the door to an empty hospital room open.

“Okay, babe, how about we move in there for a minute, okay? I’m right here, im not going anywhere, you are here with me and not anywhere else.” He said softly, trying to make his voice as clear as possible. He’d had enough panic attacks to know what to do, but dealing with someone else was terrifying.

Someone was holding him. The roaring in his ear was too much, it was too loudly, he couldn’t see, he was falling and someone was holding him, taking him somewhere. He made a panicked noise in the back of his throat. He felt like a trapped animal.

He was at every low point in his life, his parents fighting, his father dragging him out of bed, his uncle moving away, getting stabbed.

“No, no, no, no, no!”

It was a struggle to get Tucker towards the door, till eventually he ripped himself out of Washington’s arms and fell to the ground.

“Tucker, can you hear me? I’m right here! What’s scaring you is in your thoughts, you are safe here with me.” Wash practically begged Tucker to hear him, to listen, even though he hadn’t earned the right to be listened to.

Tucker backed away on the floor until his back hit a corner and he curled into a ball, his hands covering his face as he tried to listen to voice, tried to identify it. He tried to calm him breathing, tried not to think about it anymore.

He opened his eyes and stared at Wash, still scared and panicking. “W-Wash?”

Wash nodded, crouching down in the least threatening way possible.

“Yeah, it’s me, babe. It’s okay, I’m right here. I’m so proud of you, your so strong, stronger than I’ll ever be. Stay right here with me.”

“Wash,” Tucker focused on the blond’s freckles and gradually came back from the brink. “Oh god, Wash I’m s-I’m sorry, I don’t–”

Wash moved forward, hesitantly reaching out.

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” I did, he added mentally. “It’s okay. I’m right here, it’s okay, I’m not going anywhere alright?”

“I’m sorry,” Tucker repeated, hands going back to face as if he could hide. He shook his head and slid down the wall a bit more. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

Wash reached out and laid a gentle hand on his knee.

“I don’t know why your sorry. You make me happier than anyone ever has. Don’t apologize to me. Just…breathe, babe.”

Tucker nodded and breathed in deeply before exhaling just as slowly. He tried to keep his breathing even and looked back up at Wash uncertainly, as if looking to see if he was doing it right.

Wash nodded in encouragement, breathing at the same pace.

“Your doing great. Your so strong it blows my mind.”

Tucker’s eyes filled with tears as he looked up at Wash. “I don’t wanna see him. I know its wrong, but I don’t wanna remember him in a hospital bed all pale and sick. I don’t wanna see see him like that, its too much. He’s supposed to be tall and strong. He’s alway been tall and strong.” He rambled, clenching his fist and he began to mentally chastise himself for unloading on Wash yet again.

The man didn’t even want him around.

Wash moved forward to sit next to Tucker, wrapping an arm around him.

“I can barely imagine how hard this is for you. I get it. He’s always been this steady foundation in your life and losing him so slowly and awfully feels like everything is falling apart, and I’m so sorry. I wish that such a great man wasn’t so sick and I wish such great kids didn’t have to watch him go away but I think what’s really the point right now is that he wants to see you. He loves you and wants to see you before he can’t. But we can stay here as long as you want, I’ll stay right here with you as long as you need.”

Tucker’s heart soared while his stomach dropped. He wanted to scream and cry, he wanted Wash to stop being so goddamn nice whenever he was just gonna leave like everyone else, he wanted to hold onto Wash and never let go, he wanted Mike to recover, he wanted not the lose the people that he loved.

But here he was, falling ever so much more deeper with Wash and, god, he knew how the impact would hurt whenever Wash breaks up with him. He’d wait until everything was over and until then he’d benice and caring and–dear god, I’m gonna be sick.

“I’m sorry,” He mumbled again, hands clenching in his dreads tight enough to hurt.

“It’s alright.” Washington said, unsure what else to say. He wished he could make all the pain go away. He pressed a soft kiss to Tucker’s shoulder, heart twisting itself into knots.

Tucker slouched against Wash’s arm and leaned into him. If Wash was gonna break up with him, than he might as well get as much out of this time as possible. Deal with the breakup whenever to comes. He let out a small sob at the thought and turned to bury his face in the crook of Wash’s neck.

Washington wrapped his arms around Tucker gently. In an abstract way he was fascinated by how warm Tucker always was, whereas Maine’s skin had always been so cold, and dry.

He pressed a kiss to Tucker’s hair. He wanted to say those three words that he meant so well, wished they would come out of his throat in this time of need, but they wouldn’t.

Tucker relaxed in Wash’s arms and moved his hands to grab fistfuls of Wash’s shirt, breathing erratically as he tried to calm down. He felt tears prick at the back of his eyes, but tried to keep them back. It was bad enough that he dragged Wash to D.C. with him and had a fucking panic attack. He wasn’t gonna start crying, too.

“It’s okay to cry.” Washington whispered after he picked up on the tension Tucker was forcing on himself. “Just let it go.”

Tucker whimpered and began to cry silently, his body shaking. He held onto Wash like a lifeline, something to keep him grounded. He hated this, the way he felt so helpless. He couldn’t make his uncle better. He’d tried to make people better his entire life, his father, his mother, Junior. He couldn’t make Wash love him. He’d tried to make people love him his entire life, his father, his mother. It seems that things just don’t work out for him.

Wash stroked his hands through Tucker’s hair and hated how useless his felt, and then hated himself for thinking that.

This wasn’t about him, damnit.

This was about Tucker. Poor, strong, wonderful Tucker who deserved so much more than this.

Tucker sniffed hard and tried to focus, tried to get himself under control. He just needed some semblance of control, dammit. He forced himself to calm down and breathe.

“Maybe I should make a smaller dream catcher you can wear around your neck.” Washington mused.

Tucker chuckled before pulling away and look at Wash with a thoughtful expression. “Wait, you made that?”

Wash furrowed his brow. “Yeah, I love making things for people who are important to me. My grandparents taught me how to make things like that.”

Tucker felt his heart melt at that. He leaned up and pecked Wash’s cheek. He wrapped his arms around Wash’s middle and hugged him tightly, throat too tight to actually say anything.

“I like the dreamcatcher necklace idea, I’m gonna get right on that.” Wash whispered.

Tucker pressed a feather light kiss to Wash’s neck. “I love you,” He whispered, half scare shitless and half hoping that he didn’t hear. But it felt right, being in Wash’s arms and telling him that he loves him.

Wash felt like the whole world had stopped spinning. He had said it. He meant it. Wash opened his mouth to say it back because God he wanted to- and nothing came out. His heart fell, and he did the next best thing he could think of. He slowly lifted Tucker’s chin and kissed him, softly, and intense, trying to convey the hurricane of emotions roiling around in him in one gesture.

Tucker understood. He pressed against Wash again, sliding his lips against Wash’s in return. He pulled away and looked Wash in the eyes, scared shitless but still understanding. “You don’t have to say it back. I just want you to know.”

“I’m going to. I feel it, I do, I want to…” Wash looked away, spare hand curling in on itself.  
“I’m sorry I can’t seem to say what I should, what I want. I’m working on it.”

Tucker brought one hand up and curled it around Wash’s spare. He felt his heart beating faster as hope swelled. “I know, its okay. I just tend to dive in too deep too fast. Its okay if you’re not ready.” He leaned forward and kissed him again, slowly and intensely.

God, that was the problem wasn’t it? He felt ready. He fucking loved Tucker and he wanted him to know it. He wanted to scream it to the world, but every time he tried, that dark irrational horrid part of him rose up and suffocated him. How was he supposed to explain it to Fucker without him thinking Wash was insane? Maybe he was insane. He couldn’t even control his own voice and his own mind, maybe Maine had succeeded in breaking him. The thought brought bike to his mouth, but he forced it down.

“Your just amazing, you know?”

Tucker gave him a small smile before looking down at Wash’s shoulders. “Nah, just decent.”

“As much as I’d love to sit here all day arguing over how amazing you are,” Washington said softly, he nodded towards the clock. “Visiting hours don’t last forever.”

Tucker breathed in slowly and stood, scraping his hands over his face. “Okay, lets do this.”

Wash followed him up, offering his hand to hold again.

Tucker took the hand gratefully and led them out the door, following the numbers on the wall until they got to room 128C. He stared at the door and took a deep breath.

Wash hoped that Mike didn’t look as bad as he was, it was always harder when they looked like death.

Tucker squeezed Wash’s hand and pushed the door to the room open. The sounds of Mike and Junior laughing floated through the air as they walked into the room. Tucker’s face split into a grin whenever he saw Mike, a bit pudgier and paler than he remembered. Less hair and more age spots.

“Hey Uncle Mike,” He greeted, air rushing out of him.

“There’s my boy.” Mike’s voice was husky with age and sickness. He waved Tucker over and pulled him into a hug, both men on the verge of tears at seeing each other for the first time in so long.

Wash stayed back near the door, not wanting to intrude. His gut flipped over and over. It must be so hard for Tucker, seeing the man who raised him like this. He couldn’t imagine seeing his grandpa or grandma like this, although he knew it’d happen sooner or later.

“Did you boys get lost?” Mike asked, concern on his face. 

“Yeah, a bit,” Tucker admitted, throat clogged with emotion. 

“I guess the real question is have you found your way?” Tucker chuckled and hugged Mike again.

“I missed you, old man.”

Wash smiled at the affection between them, rocking back on his heels. Tucker may have found his way, but Wash wasn’t so sure.

He pushed the thought away- again, this wasn’t about him.

“Call me old man one more time, whippersnapper.” Mike snickered as Tucker pulled away. He grinned over at Wash kindly. “Now, who is this?”

“Mike, this is David Washington, he’s my lover in the night,” Tucker declared with a wicked grin. 

“Tucker!” Ella squawked in a scandalized tone as Tucker and Mike held in their laughs.

Washington chuckled and moved forward.

“The worst part about that joke is that it’s not even true. At least, not yet. But I am his boyfriend, you can call me Wash. It’s a pleasure to meet you, I’ve heard a lot about you.” He said, coming to stand behind Tucker.

Tucker subconsciously leaned back into Wash, making Mike smile lovingly at the pair. “And I have heard much about you, son. I hope I caused no trouble, flying you out here out of the blue. I just wanted to meet the man who was making my boy so happy.”

Tucker blushed a bit and looked up at Wash with a small smile on his face.

“He’s the one who’s had the bigger effect on me, I can assure you. It’s no trouble at all, really. I wanted to meet the man that helped raise such a wonderful person.”

Mike nodded and looked at Wash thoughtfully. “Its always nice to meet a fan of my work,” He joked offhandedly as he studied the way Tucker leaned against Wash and looked so happy, so strong and complete.

Ella chuckled and shook her head, “Mike has a bit of a sarcastic side, David.”

“I’m starting to notice it runs in the family.” Washington nodded. “But it’s a good thing in my opinion.”

“Honestly, Wash’s sarcasm levels are almost on par with mine,” Tucker told them as he leaned his head against Wash, equal parts exhausted from emotions, happy to see his uncle, and queasy from the obvious sickness surrounding the man. “Its truly a sight to see.”

“Wash got me music!” Junior told Mike excitedly. Mike smiled. “He also makes me laughs and gets my cereal whenever Tucker forgets. I like him.”

“I think I like him, too, little guy,” Mike told him warmly.

Wash flushed, skin heating at the praise. 

“So, how’s D.C been treating you guys?”

“We made cookies!” Junior exclaimed, grinning widely as he launched into a story that started with meeting Ella’s new dog and ended with accidentally burning his hand from not letting the cookie cool down. Tucker smiled as he listened he to the story, letting his eyes rest every now and then as he wallowed is this, the feeling of everyone together.

A not-so-little part of him would never fail to remind him of Mike’s imminent death and Wash’s rejection.

“You really have an affinity for cookies. So, Ella- how did you and Mike meet?” Washington asked, hoping to keep the light happy small talk up.

“Tucker threw a baseball through my window and shattered it,” Ella smiled fondly at the memory. “And Mike asked if taking me out for a drink would make up for it.”

“She told me to write her a check and fuck off,” Mike grinned.

“True love,” Tucker chuckled.

“Romance at its finest. It’s okay, Tucker barged into my life too. Collapsed in a chair next to me and downed a caffeine abomination before attempting to hit on me at the ass crack of dawn. Truly a story to last the ages, both of them. Call Hallmark.”

“Red bull in the coffee?” Mike asked, a fond smile in place as he watched Tucker’s eyelids droop. He’d bet all 25 years of Tucker’s life that the boy was about to fall asleep standing up.

“You betcha. Which seems like something you need right now. There’s a coffee stand by the nurse station, do you want me to go get you some, babe?” He asked.

Tucker sniffed as he snapped his head up. He blinked bleary eyed at Wash for a bit. “What? Oh, nah, I can get it myself, its okay. Its probably just jet lag anyway,” Tucker yawned before moving over towards the door to the room.

“Wouldn’t it be better if I did, I mean, it’s your family. You should catch up, I can get it, really.”

Tucker leaned up and kissed Wash’s cheek, “You’re so sweet. Thank you.” He smiled but was interrupted by another yawn. He rubbed his eye with his fist, feeling like a five year old.

Wash grinned at finally being able to do something, and headed down the hall in search of coffee.

Tucker watched him leave fondly and sat down on a cushioned chair and rolled his head back.

“Go ahead and sleep, boy,” Mike told him. “I’ll wake you up whenever Romeo comes back.” Tucker nodded sleepily before letting his eyes close.

Wash filled up a cup with coffee and specified it to Tucker’s liking before returning to the room, peeking his head in. At the sight of a passes out Tucker he smiled softly.

Mike smiled at Wash and nodded toward Tucker. “Can we let him sleep a bit? I haven’t been able to watch over him like this since he was in the hospital himself.”

Junior frowned at the memory. He didn’t like to think about Tucker’s time in the hospital caused by Felix.

Washington nodded and set the coffee cup on the counter.

“He’s a really great person, despite all the pain he’s been through. You should be proud of him. Although, I don’t think I really need to tell you that.”

Mike chuckled and shook his head. “You really don’t.”

“I should get Junior back to the house, its getting late,” Ella told Mike and gave him a quick kiss. “I love you.”

“Love you, too.” Mike muttered as they left. He turned to Wash. “Have you and Tucker admitted it yet?”

Washington blinked in shock at the straightforward question.

“What?”

“Well, its obvious that you two love each other,” Mike told him. “Have you told each other yet?”

Washington felt his throat close up, and he looked towards Tucker.

“He just told me. But I-”

Mike smiled and nodded his head wisely. “Ah, yes. Young love, while obviously strong, is still complicated, isn’t it?”

“More like I’m complicated. I do love him and I want him to know that. I just can’t seem to…” Wash’s shoulders sagged. “I’m really sorry, your nephew deserved better than me. But I do love him.”

Mike chuckled and shook his head. “Son, if you love him and don’t stab him, I approve of you. Do you…mind if I give you some advice?”

Washington nodded slowly, words stuck in his throat.

“The thing that you think was taken from you,” Mike started, pausing a bit to gather his words and make sure that Wash was listening. “It was taken from me, too. And it took me a while to realize that there was nothing to be taken aside from my peace of mind. You’re not dirty or unclean because of it and you can’t make my boys dirty and unclean by being around them.”

Wash stared at Mike, feeling like the breathe had been knocked out of him. It seemed unreal that this man he barely knew had reached in and located his deepest, darkest insecurity. He just sat there, trying to wrap his brain around the mans words.

“I- I’m sorry. That that happened to you. You seem like a very good man, you don’t deserve- nobody deserves- I didn’t- how did you know?” He choked out, ears ringing.

Mike shook his head, a tired smile on his face. “Tucker didn’t tell me, if that’s what you’re worried about. He’s mentioned that you don’t have the best past, but you should never underestimate the intuition of an old man. I’m guessing you thought you deserved it, probably got hit around a bit before it and it continued on for a while? You didn’t deserve it, son.”

“I know I didn’t. At least, part of me does. I’m working on figuring it out, still. Thank you.” He swallowed and looked down and Tucker’s form.

“He couldn’t have told you. He has no idea. I don’t know how to tell him, even though I really want to.”

Mike shook his head, a fond smile on his face. “Don’t underestimate the intuition of a college student who was forced to grow up at ten years old, either.”

“I really do want to tell him. I’m not- I’m not afraid he’ll react badly, I know he won’t. It just won’t come out. But-” he looked back towards Mike with tears pricking his eyes.

“You have no idea how much it means to me, what you said. Thank you.”

Mike gave Wash a gentle smile. “You’re welcome, son. If you’re honest with him, everything will be fine. He won’t pity you.” The man studied Wash’s face for a beat. “I have to ask a favor to ask you, son.”

Wash glanced up, and nodded.

“Of course.”

Mike smiled, pain and sorrow coloring his face. “Take care of my boys. I know that its not fair to ask of you, but…I need to know that they’ll be okay. That you’ll keep Junior safe and you won’t let Tucker be alone again. I need to know that someone will take care of them.”

Wash nodded.

“Of course. I swear. I’ll do everything in my power, take my word. It’s completely fair to ask, sir. I love both of them more than I can even comprehend and I wouldn’t abandon them for the world. Even if I’m not all that well suited to take that on, I won’t give up. I think…I think Tucker thinks he’s gonna lose me. I can get why he’s be afraid of that, and I wish I could find someway to prove that he’ll never lose me unless he wants to.” Washington shrugged.

“Tucker has heard a lot of talk in his limited time in this world,” Mike told him. “After you’re finished with your second guessing yourself and your worthiness, show him. Show him how much you love him. I promise it’ll mean the world to him, to know that he’s not alone in your relationship.”

Wash nodded. “Will do, sir.”

Mike laughed. “No need for sirs. From what I see with you and my boys, we’re practically family already. Oh and I don’t think I need to tell you, but just to clarify, if you hurt them, I will haunt your pasty white ass.”

Washington laughed. “I wouldn’t have it any other way, to be honest.”

Tucker stirred a bit and blinked blearily at the room. He looked in between Wash and Mike and frowned at Mike. “You said that you’d wake me up.”

“True romance, boo.” He replied, boo dragged out in an ironic manner.

“I am nothing if not romantic,” Tucker grinned as he stood and gave Wash a peck on the cheek. “Thank you for the coffee and the sleep, babe.” He looked back at Mike and grinned sadly. “How you feeling uncle Mike?”

“Ignored and unimportant,” He sniffed dramatically, making Tucker laugh.

"Ah, how rude of us. Please accept my sincerest apologies." Washington said, then pecked a kiss on Tucker's cheek and stretch his left arm a little, and hoped the tears pricking his eyes had dissipated. He was still shaken by his conversation with Mike. He hoped Tucker hasn't woken up to hear any of it.

Mike grinned. “Apologies accept—” He was cut off by a sudden coughing fit. He hunched over, his entire body shaking with the force of it as the monitors around him went crazy and a nurse ran in. She pushed some of his medication and placed an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose to help him breathe until the coughing died down.

“Take it easy, Mr. Tucker.” The nurse told him in a soothing voice. She turned a steely gaze at Wash and Tucker. “I think its time for his visit to end.”

Wash felt his heart twist. He’d just met the man and it hurt him to see him like this, he couldn’t imagine how Tucker was feeling.

Tucker felt her heart drop into his stomach as Mike started breathing normally again. He leaned into Wash, trying to somehow absorb strength from his boyfriend.

“They’ll leave, Liza, don’t worry.” Mike told her. “I just need to tell my boy something in private first.” Liza sighed through her nose and gave Tucker an exasperated look.

Wash took the hint, and squeezed his boyfriends hand before following the nurse out into the hallway.

Mike studied Tucker’s face as the other two left. “I did not raise you to eavesdrop on important conversations, young man.”

Tucker chuckled humorlessly and looked away, swallowing thickly. “You knew that I was scared of him break up with me. You knew and you wanted me to hear.” He accused. Mike smiled and nodded. “Crazy old man.”

“Go, you need to talk to your boyfriend,” Mike told him. Tucker nodded. and turned to leave before going back and hugging Mike tightly.

“I love you, old man.” He mumured, making Mike nod.

“I love you too, kid.”

Washington studies the floor tiles as he waited, trying to wrap his head around everything. He hadn’t realized the fact he’s been raped was so easy to pick up on. Or maybe Mike was just an extremely observant old man. He seemed to lean towards the second option.

The fact Mike had seen through him so easily was jarring, but the entire conversation had left him feeling warm, full of an emotion he couldn’t name.

Eventually, they pulled apart, both men with tears on their cheeks. Tucker nodded at his uncle and left the room. He closed he cheap wood door and leaned against it, scraping his hands over his face.

Washington turned to look at his boyfriend, a soft supportive smile on his face.

“Hey, babe.”

Tucker looked up at Wash. “Hey,” He frowned at how strangled his strangled his voice frowned, but shook his head. “We should probably go try to get a cab.” He nodded to himself and began walking down the hallway.

Wash nodded and followed him, unsure what to say.

They got into the elevator together. Tucker leaned against the side as a couple of tears fell down his cheek. He scrubbed his hand against his face, trying not to let Wash see. He’d already had to deal with him once today.

Wash hesitated, before moving a little closer to Tucker.

“Do you need a hug?”

Tucker chuckled humorlessly and turned into Wash, wrapping his arms tightly around his middle.

Wash hugged his boyfriend-not too tight, of course. But right enough. He kissed him on the top of his head.

Tucker buried his nose in the crook of Wash’s neck and cried silently, grabbing fistfuls of the back of Wash’s t-shirt.

Wash just held him, heart hammering in sympathy.

Tucker pulled away a bit and kissed Wash’s cheek. “Thank you.”

“Let’s go get some rest. We need it.” Washington suggested.

Tucker nodded and pulled himself away from Wash, walking out of the elevator with his arms wrapped around himself. “Yeah, I need to talk to you about something, and its probably not something that we should talk about in public.”


	5. mounting tension

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tensions begin to mount as wash's past slaps him in the face

Tucker walked into the hotel room, dropping his wallet with his room card on the bar and turned to look at Wash, his expression muddled with all different types of angst.

“First, I want to apologize. I broke down again today and that’s the second time you’ve had to take care of me and you shouldn’t have to take care of me, I should ave my shit together.” He took a deep breath and gave Wash a grateful look. “But I do want to thank you for taking care of me like that.”

Washington fiddled with his sleeves.

“You can’t be expected to stay completely strong through such a traumatic experience- everyone needs someone sometimes. That’s why I came. I like being there for you. I want to be there for you. It’s okay, babe.” He said softly. He hoped this was all they where ‘talking’ about.

“And we’ve never really had to talk about how important honesty is for me, because you’ve never lied to me, or rather you’ve never been so obvious about a lie, I don’t know, you could be lying about everything,” Tucker began to pace, hands making jerk-like gestures as he laid everything out. “Which I don’t choose to believe, by the way, because I’m unrealistically optimistic. But, Wash, I really do not appreciate being lied to. Especially by you. Now, if you tell me to drop it, I will. But I can’t lie down and let you just…lie to me like that. That’s not okay. So I’m going to rewind and just ask: did I or anyone else say or do something in the airport that set you off?”

Washington was silent for a moment. In an abstract way he was astounded by the fact he’d managed to lie and keep the secret of his abuse from his friends and family on a daily basis for three years or so, but he was such a shitty liar when it came to Tucker. Maybe that was a weirdly good thing, in the long run.

He swallowed thickly, and looked Tucker straight in the eyes, resisting the urge to look away.

“I guess I did lie. I didn’t intend to. I just didn’t know what to say.” He said, trying to maintain a calm demeanor. “I don’t want to ever lie to you. I’m sorry that I did.”

“Its okay, its forgotten. I don’t care so much that you lied but that you won’t tell me something that’s pretty damn important. I need to know if there’s something that I shouldn’t say around you because, spoiler alert, I wanna be around you for a while. I wanna graduate and give you some obnoxious kiss whenever I do. I wanna wake up next to you and buy a house with you and I want to live with your cats even though I don’t like cats. Babe, I love you,” He shook his head and leaned against the bar.

“I love you and that means that you mean a lot to me and I care about your well being a lot and I want to know if I shouldn’t say certain things around you,” Tucker gave him a pleading look. “Babe, your triggers are important to me. It doesn’t matter–well it matters, I just–you don’t have to tell me everything, not yet anyway. But…this I need to know. I wouldn’t push you if I didn’t.”

I love you too, he wanted to say. He wanted to scream it, scream how he loved Tucker and wanted to eat picnics with him and go grocery shopping with him and study with him and go to Junior’s concerts and being him back up toilet paper when the roll was out and lay next to him in the moments half in between being asleep and being awake in that perfect ethereal limbo and he wanted to tell Tucker how his heart burst all this overwhelming live, he wanted to tell him that sometimes he’s daydream in class about them traveling together taking pictures of anything and everything and staying in shitty motels and maybe someday they’d make love, he wanted to tell Tucker that he yearned with all his heart for the day they worked towards when they where both ready for that and wanted to yell just how much he loved Tucker back. 

He opened his mouth to do just that- and nothing came out. His mind was wrestling itself and he hated the static in his lungs with a passion.

He tried to fight it, to force the words he meant so much out, but that only succeeded in tears pricking his eyes. He forced his mouth shut and took a deep breathe.

“I think I lied because I didn’t know what to say- because what set me off with that weird snapping and anxiety was really stupid and it didn’t even make sense and I hate the idea of trying to tell you not to say something so broad and random. It’s not fair. It was just me being weird and stupid and I’m really sorry. I promise there are things that I really am and know im triggered by and I would tell you those if you want to know in a heartbeat, I just didn’t know what to say then, okay?”

Tucker closed his eyes and took a deep breath, feeling like absolute shit. “What, you think I don’t hate the idea that you keep looking twice everywhere we go because of Felix? Or how you purposely get food that doesn’t require a knife? Or how the words ‘knife’, 'new years’, and anything related to 'stab’ is swerved so hard I would’ve thought that you’re a drunk driver? I feel stupid and angry and breakable, but that’s the way it is and you are obviously more than willing to make sacrifices for me but you seem to think that I shouldn’t make any effort at all for you. Please tell me your triggers, I want to be able to love you without worrying about saying the wrong thing.” He kept his tone and volume quiet and calm, wanting to have a calming effect on Wash.

Wash almost flinched at his word at first, the weight of them, but the tension wasn’t entirely negative.

“Well, for one thing, your not breakable, your stronger than most people and you deserve to feel safe.” He said honestly. He then realized that he deserved to feel safe, and some of the tension left him.

“Speaking of breakable, holy shit-” he let out a pained laugh. “Every time I hear or see broken glass I literally want to curl in a ball and fucking die which is insanely stupid because glass breaks all the fucking time.” He shook his head and ran a hand through his hair, unable to look at Tucker. This was hard to talk about but at least the words where coming out.

Tucker felt his breath hitch in his throat. He wasn’t quite sure what he was expecting, but it was probably along the the lines of Wash telling him that it was none of his business and to drop it. He took a step toward Wash cautiously and gently took Wash’s hands in his own, giving him a supportive look if he ever decided to look.

“Its not stupid, okay?” He whispered gently, moving one hand to gently push Wash’s bangs out of his face. “Its important, and you’re doing great, baby. Is there anything else? You don’t have to tell me tonight is you don’t want to.”

Wash shrugged. “I don’t even fucking know, honestly, it’s not as much what people say as things people do, Tucker. Although- I guess saying mean things in general probably wouldn’t be nice, but I doubt your going to be doing that much. I-” He paused, considering if he should admit something else. “I used to wear scarfs and stuff all the time, you know. I don’t anymore, I hate things around my neck, I hate when people pu there hands around my neck. Choking in general- I just- I was watching a movie where this girl started strangling the other girl and I had to leave movie night altogether and everyone felt bad for picking that movie but it’s not like they knew that would happen, and I hate when people feel bad for offending me or triggering me or something when they haven’t actually done anything, you know? Damn, I kinda miss wearing scarfs. I was fucking fashionable.” He added, crinkling his nose in nostalgia and disgust at the thought of all the times Maine had cut off his air supply. Not something he liked to remember.

Tucker let out a breathless laugh and leaned up to pressed a kiss to Wash’s cheek. “There are ways to wear scarves without wrapping them around your neck, if you want. Or you could wear those shirts that look like you’re wearing a scarf.” He removed some of the pressure from his hand that was lingering in Wash’s hair. “Is this okay?”

Wash nodded, words lost to him after letting so many escape his mouth. He leaned down and kissed Tucker gently and desperately, hoping his own stupidity never caused him to lose this amazing individual. The tension was still between them, and he wondered how many times of tensions there where.

Tucker pressed up against Wash and buried both hands into his hair. He figured that the kiss was just supposed to be a peck, but Wash hadn’t kissed him like this since Christmas Eve, and he just loved kissing him, he could really get enough. 

Even in al this chaos, there was nothing Washington loved more than kissing Tucker, the spirals of lightning that raced through his nerves and made him want to melt and rise up all at once.

Tucker pulled away reluctantly and grinned up at Wash. “I love you.”

God, he wanted to say it back so bad. Why couldn’t he say it back? Instead he smiled, and nodded towards the bed.

“You as tired as I am, boo?”

“Definitely. I’m gonna take a quick shower and be right there.” He pressed another chaste kiss to Wash’s lips and walk over to the bathroom. “Thanks, again, for coming out here with us. It means a lot.”

“I was more than happy to.” He replied.


	6. awkward at best

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> awkward bonerrr

Sleep left him like rising slowly up from a deep dive into water, flowing over you until you finally broke the surface and your eyes flicked open. There’s a beat of time in between on world and the next as he becomes aware of his surroundings. He yawns and shifts in bed, smiling at Tucker’s arm thrown over him. Another shift, and he felt something else of Tucker’s pressed into the top of his thigh. He froze, skin crawling. It wasn’t the first time this had happened. They both knew that they weren’t ready for sex- at least, Washington wasn’t. 

Tucker probably was, he was just patient and respectful. He always took care of it himself. Wash had gotten a boner or two during ft here cuddle sessions and had back pedaled so fast he probably ran over the curb. 

Tucker didn’t seem to be awake yet, but he moved in his sleep to wrap his arms around Wash tighter and nuzzle into his neck. He felt particularly pinned by the pure awkwardness of the situation. Tucker had told him, in these situations, just to wake him up and he’s go take care of it. But Tucker needed his rest, and he wasn’t weighted by his troubles in sleep.  
Tucker began to become aware, but fought it. He didn’t want to be in the world until it needs him. He wasn’t quit sure what this dream was, but it was nice.

It was happy and peaceful and the feeling that was flooding him was something that he hadn’t felt in a while. here was laughter. Not, like, creepy ass baby laughter, but like his uncle and his brother and Wash. It was happy.

The world didn’t need him yet, he decided as he settled more into his dream. If it did, Wash would wake him up.

The minutes rolled by and Washington felt more and more awkward. Having an erect penis pressed against his butt- while complimentary and not really Tucker’s fault- reminded him he wasn’t ready for sex or sexual contact, and that knowledge only reminded him why he wasn’t ready, and memories just came flooding back at the speed of a runaway train. Panic crawled up his throat, and he maneuvered his hand to shake at Tucker’s arm.

“Babe, get up. Tucker?”

Tucker groaned and sniffed loudly as he woke up. Awareness slowly began to seep into his bones. He moved one hand up to rub his eye as he began to take inventory of himself–uh, all of himself.

“Oh geez, sorry,” Tucker mumbled as he turned over to get to the bathroom to take care of himself. 

The erection left his ass, but the warmth also left his back and he was exposed to the cold air. He suddenly felt horrible for waking Tucker up for such a stupid reason, because he was so ridiculously damaged.

He sat up and words burst out of his mouth before he even realized.

“I can help if you want.” He said quickly, voice cracking slightly. He winced at the sound of his own voice. What was he thinking?

Oh, right- he was here to help Tucker. He wanted to open up to Tucker and proved he loved him. Maybe this would help? Maybe he just didn’t think he was ready and once they actually got to it he could just swallow the fear and force himself to get over it? He’d be more than willing to do that for Tucker. Didn’t he owe Tucker that at least?

Tucker’s breath hitched in his throat as he froze. The offer itself was tempting, but…how strangled Wash’s voice was and after what he’d overheard Wash and Mike talking about.  
Wash wasn’t ready for this, Tucker was pretty sure he wasn’t ready either. At the very least, he didn’t want it to happen like this. “Don’t worry, babe. I…I don’t think I’m ready and I don’t want our first time to be like this. I’m gonna do a whole romantic dinner, candles, flowers. I want it to be special, okay?”

Washington felt both relieved and offended. The tension drained out of his shoulders and he looked away. He was being stupid again, wasn’t he?

He smiled at what Tucker said he wanted there first time to be like. It sounded nice. He may not be ready quite yet, but he felt like he was working up to that point. He looked forward to it. He wanted to be with Tucker. And- Tucker’s heart would probably break into a thousand pieces once he found everything it and then found out this- but he longed to know what it was like with someone who loved you. What it felt like to be cared about and how good it felt.  
Everyone said it was the best thing in the world. He was sure that with Tucker, it would be.   
The idea made his skin crawl but it made his heart beat faster nonetheless.

Tucker leaned over and kissed Wash’s cheek as he ran a hand through Wash’s hair. “Its not that I don’t want to, I just think that both of us should be ready.” He sat up and gave Wash a small smile.

Ah. So Tucker shared his uncles ability to see right through him. He looked up to smile at Tucker.

“Get going, cowboy. Go take a shower or something and I’ll walk down the street and get us breakfast okay?”

Tucker let out a happy sigh and grinned at Wash. “You’re amazing.” He got up and went to the bathroom. He paused and turned to give Wash an almost shy smile. “I love you.”

Wash nodded. “I noticed, Mr. Nine Inches.” He sasses to cover his inability to respond accordingly.

Tucker laughed. “I was being sweet and romantic.” He went into the bathroom and turned on the shower.

Just another day where he’d have to face his dying uncle and his boyfriend who had something going on but refused to share. Great.


	7. shattered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> basically the breaking point

Tucker opened the door to the room and tossed his wallet and key card on the bar. He plopped down on the couch and settled in.

It had been three days since he had finally gotten Wash to open up more to him, and the man had pulled away more and more every hour. He leaned his head back and got ready to be ignored for the rest of the evening. He didn’t miss the way Wash looked gutted any time he told him that he loved me, so he stopped. He figured that whatever he’s overheard Wash tell Mike, it was out the window by now. Words used to comfort an old, delusional man.

But, wow, what a way to get his hopes up.

Wash headed towards the kitchenette to get a cup of water. He set the glass on the edge of the counter and glanced towards Tucker. Lately he just didn’t know what to say and he felt horribly useless.

“You want something to drink?”

“No, I’m okay,” Tucker mumbled, not wanting to make Wash do anything for him. 

“Are you sure? There’s some pop in the mini fridge-” He said, turning towards the mini fridge. His hand knocked the glass down, and it shattered on the floor. He jumped back, banging into the decorative mirror. He pulled away from the mirror and it also fell, shattering at a higher pitch. He stood, frozen in shock at the rapid series of events and that sound he hated so much.

Tucker jumped to his feet and ran over to Wash. “Wash? Wash, babe, I need you to look at me. Are you hurt? Did any of the glass cut you?”

Wash stared down at the glass. “No, uh, I’m fine…it’s fine. I’m sorry. I’ll clean it up.” He said quickly, snapping desperately into action. He knelt down and reached to pluck up the largest shards of glass with shaking hands, blood roaring in his ears.

Tucker dropped down to his knees, glass tearing open his jeans and digging into his skin. He put his hands on Wash’s arms and tried to catch his eyes. “Babe, its fine, I’ll help you.”

The sight of glass cutting into Tucker’s skin made his heart stop in his chest.

“Fucking Christ, get up off the floor, you're gonna get hurt- it’s fine, really, I broke it, I’ll clean it up, it’s my own fault for being so fucking clumsy, I’m supposed to be here to help you and all I seem to do is stand there being useless so please just let me do this one thing, it’s fine, you shouldn’t have to-” He was cut off by a gasp of pain. He’d accidentally sliced the hand holding he glass. He let the glass drop to the floor and stared at the gash across his hand. He had forgotten how sharp glass could be. He felt anxiety crawl up his throat.

Tucker gently wrapped his fingers around Wash’s wrist, even as he began to get exasperated. 

“Babe, come on, let’s just go wash this and we can call room service to clean it up. Neither of us will have to clean up, just let me take care of you.”

Wash ripped his hand away from Tucker and clutched it to his torso, trying to keep his breathing steady.

“You think I’m so useless I can’t clean up my own mess?”

“I don’t think you’re useless,” Tucker tried to keep his voice even, but the exasperation was there. “I think you need medical attention and that this glass makes you feel terrible.”  
Wash shook his head. “Okay, fine. But can I please just pick this up first? It’s not that bad of a cut, anyway. I’m used to worse.”

“Wash, you’re freaking out, just leave it,” Tucker told him, voice rising in volume without his permission.

Washington forced himself to stand up, turning away from Tucker. 

“I appreciate the concern, but you're the one freaking out. I was trying to be nice and clean up my own mess.”

“You were forcing yourself to clean it up,” Tucker pointed out. “And you’re hurt, you shouldn’t have to clean this up.”

“And you shouldn’t tell me what to do.” Washington snapped. The room was closing in on him, everything was dark, he was bleeding, there was broken glass all over the floor and Tucker was arguing with him over something stupid and trying to dictate what he was supposed to do. His mind was sharp and hazy all at once, flashing between that night in Maine’s kitchen and now, back and forth, it was all so similar, his ears started to ring and it was hard to tell the difference. What if Tucker got angry at him, angry for all the things he’d been fucking up, angry that Wash wasn’t ready to have sex just like Maine had been, there was broken glass all over the floor and he was bleeding and he became suddenly terrified history was going to repeat itself. God, he could barely breathe. What if Tucker got fed up with his bullshit and took what he wanted, took out all his frustrations on wash right here on all this fucking broken glass. Maybe that was what he deserved. No it wasn’t. Yes it was. He didn’t know he didn’t know if it was then or now he didn’t know if Tucker was Tucker or if Tucker was Maine- the room was closing in and there was broken glass on the floor and he was bleeding, bleeding- 

“Don’t tell me what to do.”

“I’m not trying to tell you what to do, I’m trying to help you and you’re being ridiculous!” Tucker snapped back at him, immediately feeling bad. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you.” Shit, he was terrible. Wash was bleeding and panicking and he was yelling at him? God, what the hell was wrong with him? 

Washington scoffed, vividly reminded of all the times Maine would run his hands through his hair and kiss his cheek and tell him how sorry he was. God, he was getting dizzy. But he wouldn’t let Tucker see him any more weaker than he probably already thought he was.

Tucker shook his head as he stood. “Fine, I guess caring about your fucking well being was a mistake on my part. So sorry.”

Wash just stayed turned away, clutching his hand to his chest. He wanted to curl up and fucking die and he wanted to scream at the world to stop fucking hurting him all at the same time.

“I don’t know why you're so mad about me trying to clean something up. It’s not like I meant to cut myself. I’m not that fucked up. ” He used to be, almost, and that’s something he really doesn’t want to think about right now. “But you wouldn’t know anything about that because I can’t tell you a god damn thing. I would think, if anything, that’s something you’d get mad about.”

“Do what you want, Wash,” Tucker mumbled, anger leaving him in a second as he turned and snagged a rag from the bathroom. “Can you at least let me try to stop the bleeding?”

“It’s already slowing down, I’ll be fine, it wasn’t that deep.” Wash lied, the idea of Tucker coming near him right now causing him to stiffen even more. He wanted to lock himself away where no one would ever touch him again.

Tucker dropped the rag and scraped his hand over his face. “Can I help clean up the glass then?” He didn’t miss the way Wash got tense at the prospect of Tucker being near him. It seemed to mirror the way his mother would react whenever his father got home.

Wash was afraid of him.

The realization came like a punch to the gut. God, he was just like his fucking father.

Wash tried as hard as he could to keep his breathing steady.

“I can do it myself.” He responded, glancing towards the glass. He wondered how strong Tucker was. Not as strong as Maine, but if it came down to it, he could probably hold Wash down on the glass effectively. Wash might get away with some kicking and screaming- which had been useless against Maine- but he feared he was still so fucking weak. He was always too weak, he was always hurt, he was bleeding and the walls where closing in on him and good god there was so much damn glass on the flier. He felt like every inch of him was wound up, waiting to react. He heard Maine’s growling anger, felt his hot breathe on his throat. Hands everywhere. Glanced up towards Tucker’s hands.

Tucker held his hands up in a surrender like motion. “Babe, its okay. You’re okay. No one is going to hurt you, okay?”

Before he got the chance to hear Tucker’s calming words he flinched violently back as his hands rose up, body uncoiling like instinct at the slightest movement. He ducked his head and raised up his arm and he couldn’t breathe no matter how many breaths he tried to drag in. His head was spinning and he felt like everything was falling down. Or maybe that was just him. His fighting spirit fled him and he just didn’t want to be in any more pain.

“I’m sorry.” He choked out.

“Wash, can you hear me?” Tucker asked in a calm, clear voice. He tried not to think that Wash would actually think that he’d hit him.

Wash wouldn’t think that.

Right?

The room wasn’t closing in anymore, it was spinning and he was super confused. He glanced towards Tucker and tried to convince himself it wasn't Maine. He need to calm down, his panic was just making everything worse.

“Hey, hey, just try to focus on one thing, okay? Focus on clenching your fist or breathing or just one simple thing that you can totally do because you’re the strongest, bravest, most amazing person I know. Can you do that?”

He curled his bleeding hand closed, using the pain to bring him back into focus. Fuck. He was pathetic.

Comparing Maine to Tucker? What was his brain even trying to do?

It seemed like Tucker’s compliments were being heard through water, distorted and distant, but there nonetheless. Shit, he was awful. Tucker deserved better than this.

Tucker breathed out a sigh of relief as he saw Wash began to calm down. “Okay, babe, stay with me. Can you hear me?”

Washington turned towards him a little, trying to focus on anything other than the shit storm in his head.

“Where’s the rag you had? I think-” he swallowed thickly, squeezing his eyes closed. His head was killing him.

Tucker nodded and grabbed the rag from the bar. “Do you want me to get it damp first?”

“Whatever you want.” He replied, head still reeling in on itself. He felt bruises all over his body that he knew weren’t actually there. He stared at the floor and at the glass and he remembered how the glass had crunched and cut and dug into his back, how long it had taken to get out. He wished he could turn out his own fucking mind, at least for a little for a while.

“Hey, hey, focus, okay? Try not to look at the glass. Focus.” Tucker instructed him gently, slowly holding out the rag for him.

Washington flinched on instinct one more, mentally chastised himself, and forced his free hand to reach for the rag. 

“I’m sorry.”

Tucker winced. He felt like he’d had the air knocked out him. “Its fine, babe. Just…you should try to stop the bleeding.”

He took the rag and pressed it to the wound.

“It’s not that bad.”

“Okay, fine, its not that bad,” Tucker huffed, exasperation bleeding into his tone. “But you still need something to focus on so that you can come down from the panic attack.”

“I don’t know what to do.” He admitted, digging the rag into the wound to keep himself grounded. “I was supposed to come here and help you. I’m sorry.” His breath wasn’t coming any easier.

“Its okay, I promise. Its just a really crappy situation.”

Washington let out a laugh, an ironic, pained laugh.

Tucker gave him a sad smile. “Yeah, I know. I’m gonna back up over by he TV so I won’t be in between you and the door. Do you wanna get out of all of the glass?”

Wash made his feet move forward, across what seemed like an endless sea of glass, reaching the side far sooner than he expected.

“You’re doing great, love,” Tucker encouraged him as he walked slowly back to the opposite wall, keeping his hands in Wash’s view. 

“I think the bleeding stopped.” He said, taking slow breaths. He still could barely keep his mind from spiraling out of control.

“Can I see?” Tucker asked, taking a step closer to Wash.

Washington flinched back, unable to control himself. He avoided looking at Tucker, ashamed, and overwhelmingly angry at himself.

“Wash, I’m never gonna hurt you.” Tucker told him gently.

His anger at himself, his panic, all of it roiled and backlashed and he was opening his mouth before he knew it.

“Yeah, right. Like I haven’t heard that before. In my experience, people who get mad for stupid reasons are the kind of people who hit you, but how is someone ever supposed to tell the difference.”

Tucker balked, his mouth falling open. He swallowed thickly and tried to keep the bile out of his throat and his feelings in check. He nodded jerkily. “Well, if that’s how you really feel.” He felt tears prick the backs of his eyes and his throat and chest felt weighted. He moved quickly, not wanting to upset Wash anymore than he had to as the crossed the room over to the door.

He was out of the room and sliding down the front of the door and burying his face in his hands.

Washington turned around and around, trying to clear his head. He hadn’t meant to say that. Maybe he had. He didn’t know. God, he didn’t know anything.

Hours later, Tucker was pacing up and down the hallway. It was 3:54 in the morning and his key card and ID were both locked in the room with Wash, who probably went to bed hours ago. He had spent he last five or six hours wandering around the hotel and on the phone with Flowers. Ignoring everyone else’s calls. He stood in front of the door, trying to get up the courage to at least knock so that you could say that he tried.

Wash tried to call Tucker multiple times after he calmed down and realized how horrible he had been. He’d paced back and forth forever, terrified of how he’d hurt Tucker because he was so fucked up in the head. He hadn’t meant a single word of it. God, where was Tucker? What was he doing? What if he was hurt. 

Finally, it became too much, and he ripped open the door to go find Tucker and beg on his hands and knees for forgiveness- only to come face to face with Tucker.

Tucker paused, hand halfway raised to knock on the door as he blinked up at Wash. “Hey,” He felt his breath leave him. “I’m sorry if I woke you up, I’ll sleep on the couch so that I don’t don’t have to bother you.”

Wash stared at Tucker for a moment.

“Holy shit, I’m so glad you're alright, I was worried, I called-” he cut himself off. 

“You won’t be sleeping on the couch, you can have the bed if you don’t want to sleep together. I’m- God, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t mean it, you have to believe me, I didn’t mean it, you’d never hit me.”

Tucker shook his head and let out a humorless chuckle as he walked into the room and sat on the couch. He put his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands as he thought.

Jesus fuck, there were too many emotions. Half of the time he felt like Wash never wanted to see him again and then the other half he felt like Wash never wanted him to be out of his line of sight and it was…confusing to say the least.

“Do you want to be here?” He asked miserably.

Wash stared after Tucker miserably.

“Of course I do. I want to be here for you. But considering how shitty a job I’ve been doing- I-I’d understand if you want me to go.”

“I wasn’t talking about what I wanted,” Tucker mumbled before looking up at Wash. “I asked you what you wanted. And I would appreciate it if you would think about it. I understand if its too much, or if its too soon to be traveling or if me being all emotional is too hard, but if you don’t want to be here, I don’t want you here. We can change the return ticket to the next available flight and if it takes too long I could crash at Ella’s house with Junior and you could have the room.”

“You being emotional isn’t the issue.” He sighed. “You have the sick uncle and I came here to help you. But something…” He bite his knuckle and turned away a little bit.

“Something’s wrong with me. And i’m really sorry. I don’t want to leave if I can fix myself and be here for you like is was supposed to.”

Tucker gnawed on the side of his cheek as he studied Wash. “I’m not gonna waste my time telling you that you’re not a burden to me and that you’re the most amazing, loving, supportive boyfriend I’ve ever had, because you won’t believe me. You’ll shrug me off and tell me what I want to hear just like I do to you. I will tell you this, though. I love you. And we’re both fucked up and I think that we’re both working out shit and I think that that’s okay. I don’t think that you shutting me out and trying to deal with it on your own is okay. I’m not saying that you should talk to me specifically, even though I would love it if you do. But I am saying that you should talk to someone. Don’t just internalize things.”

Washington absorbed his words, then turned and kneeled down in front of Tucker, pressing his hands to his lips.

“I wanna be here for you. I wanna be better. I wanna talk. I swear.”

Tucker felt his blood rushing in his head. This felt too good to be true. Tucker used both of his hands to hold Wash’s. “Then what is going on?”

Wash bowed his head, digging his fingers into his skull.

“It’s this thing, that’s been going on for years, but it’s so much worse. I’m sorry, I promise I’ll try harder. I was just- the glass and the blood and I felt like I was back in hell and I just couldn’t make any sense of anything. But that’s not an excuse, I should not have said that to you. You're the only person in the whole damn world that I’m always a hundred percent sure isn’t gonna hit me.”

Tucker hesitated a bit before running his fingers through Wash’s hair. “I meant before that, babe. You’ve been standoffish and weird since we landed. What’s going on in that head of yours that’s making you distance yourself from m–everyone.”

Wash leaned into the touch. “It’s like I’m freaking myself out in my own head. Like I’m constantly battling my own head and it’s really exhausting. I want to make it stop, I promise I’ll try and stop. I really don’t want to leave, I want to be here for you and Junior.”

“Babe, look at me?” Tucker asked, tugging gently at the ends of Wash’s hair.

Wash looked up at his boyfriend, biting his lip. God, he loved Tucker so much.

“You don’t have to fight alone.” Tucker told him sincerely, using his hands to cradle Wash’s face.

“Neither do you. That’s why I’m here.” He said, and leaned up to kiss Tucker.

Tucker returned the kiss gently, running his fingers through Wash’s hair. Whenever they pulled apart, Tucker sighed and kissed Wash’s forehead. “I’m guessing that means that you’ll stay?”

“If you want me to.” Wash replied.

Tucker gave Wash a small smile and nodded towards the bedroom. “I don’t know about you, but it seems to me that some serious make up cuddles are in order.”

Wash just nodded, rising up to embrace Tucker.

Tucker wrapped his arms around Wash tightly as he nuzzled his face against Wash’s neck. “I love you,” he whispered, voice hoarse from emotions.

He was really starting to get annoyed with this whole not being able to say it back thing. He opened his mouth and tried to eject it from his clogged up throat, but silence still ruled. Instead he kissed where Tucker’s jaw met his neck.

Tucker jumped a bit and made a strangled sound in his throat as lightning jolted through him. 

“Sorry, I’m a bit ticklish there,” He explained sheepishly.

Washington grinned. “Ticklish? That’s a nice word for it.” He said, before returning to kissing up the side of Tucker’s neck softly.

He squirmed and rolled his head to give Wash more neck to work with. He clenched his hands to get fistfuls of Wash’s shit and pulled him closer. He let out a soft whine as Wash kissed over another one of his–ahem–ticklish spots.

Wash broke away to crawl up on the bed, and pulled Tucker down with him before kissing him again.

“It’s gonna be okay, I swear.” He whispered lightly over Tucker’s lips.

Tucker wrapped his arms loosely around Wash’s neck, careful searching for any signs of discomfort, and closed the minuscule distance between their lips. “Yeah,” He whispered as they pulled apart. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before opening them sleepily and giving Wash a small smile, “But for now, its four in the morning and I’m exhausted.”  
Washington glanced towards the floor, where he’d cleaned up the glass.

“Yeah, sleep sounds good.”

“Hey,” Tucker moved one hand to cradle Wash’s face. “I’ll be here if you have a nightmare, okay? I won’t leave you again, babe. I–you’re kinda stuck with me now.”

Wash turned his head into Tucker’s neck.

“I know.”

Tucker felt sleep claiming him as his eyelids drooped. “Love you,” he murmured.


	8. broken strings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the sad ending of the thrilling d.c. saga
> 
> (I'm not crying, ur cying)

Wash watched Tucker’s back retreat behind the door of his uncle’s room. 

“I hope he’s alright.”

Junior hummed in response and pinned Wash with a glare. “You acting weird.”

Wash turns towards Junior and blinked.

“Uh-how so?”

“You being moody and sulky.” Junior told him as he gave him a hard stare. “This not about you.”

Washington blinked.

Damn, perceptive genes ran in this family.

Then he bowed his head.

“I know. I’m sorry. I’m trying really hard to be better.”

“Try harder.” Junior told him. “Tuck loves you. A lot.”

Wash grinned and nodded. “I know he does. I love him too.” He said it before he realized he had, and his head whipped up. He could say it so easily, to others- why not to Tucker?

“I promise I’ll fix myself, I want to he better for Tucker. And for you.” He smiled at Junior.

Junior gave him a small smile. “Good. I don’t want you to leave.”

“I’m glad. I don’t want to be the way I am. I don’t mean it, I swear.”

Junior nodded and wordlessly walked into Mike’s room.

Wash followed, but stayed near the back of the room. He didn’t want to intrude.

“We’re catching the flight out at ten tonight,” Tucker was in the middle of telling his uncle before Junior and Wash walked in. He gave them both a small smile before continuing. “Junior and I both have school and I need to find a job and we kinda dragged Wash away from his life, so…”

Mike nodded solemnly. “I’m just thankful for every minute I got with all of you.” Tucker nodded and sighed, looking down to try and hide how his eyes were flooded with unshed tears.

Wash felt his gut plummet. This was probably the last they’d ever see of Mike. He’d never experienced death like this before. But he wasn’t the most affected one, this man wasn’t his uncle, he didn’t have a right to cry.

Ella shifted a bit, crossing her arms to try and keep emotions under control. Junior reached up and grabbed her sleeve, making her look down at him. Tucker, sitting by Mike’s hospital bed and holding his hand, watched and Ella wrapped her arms around Junior in a tight hug.

Wash didn’t know what he was supposed to do. Was he supposed to go comfort Tucker? Say goodbye to Mike? Stand here?

Tucker rested his forehead against Mike’s hand. “I don’t wanna say goodbye.”

“I know,” Mike whispered. “I know.” He nodded and ran his free hand through Tucker’s dreads as he cried silently.

Wash grimaced as he watched his boyfriend cry. God, the world was so unfair. Why did such a great man have to die so early? Why did good people go through bad things? And why did bad people get away with it? 

He clenched his fists behind his back and swore he’d be the best possible boyfriend to Tucker from this point on. Fuck this ‘irrational/rational’ head conflict shit. He was gonna be there for Tucker no matter what.

Mike let out a sigh and a humorless chuckle, “I’m not actually dead yet.”

Tucker let out a quiet sob and nodded. He moved up and wrapped his arms around Mike neck in a loose hug.

Never ending dry humor and sarcasm also appeared to run in this family.

Wash wondered in the back of his mind if Tucker would put up with his shut long enough to be invited to the funeral. Then he forced the thought away. He wasn’t broken, he just had to figure stuff out, and let Tucker help instead of spiraling into asshole vile. 

Besides, right now really wasn’t about him.

Ella quietly crossed the room and placed a gently hand on Wash’s upper arm to get his attention. “Junior said that he’d like to be alone to tell Mike goodbye. Whenever Tucker has calmed down a bit, could you try to get him out?”

Wash stepped forward and nodded at Ella. He waited a bit, till the crying had ceased. He put a hand in Tucker’s shoulder silently.

Tucker sucked in a deep breath and pulled away from Mike. He turned and buried his face in Wash’s chest and wrapped his arms around Wash’s middle. He didn’t let himself start crying again, though. Just held onto Wash.

“Junior wants to say goodbye alone.” He said softly, running his fingers over Tucker’s dreads.  
Tucker nodded and turned to leave, sparing a second to give Junior a quick one armed hug.  
Wash held the door open for Tucker, smiling softly at the hug. He’d never felt so helpless in his life.

Tucker took a deep breath and walked through the door. He waited for Wash to close the door before sliding down the wall next to it and curling into a ball of emotions.

Wash hesitated before sliding down the wall next to him and offering a side hug. More like offering a shoulder to cry on.

Tucker leaned against Wash and breathed heavily for a bit, willing himself not to cry before starting in a small, quiet voice. “You know how whenever you start your senior year, you know that graduation is coming and coming fast but then in like April, everything just moves so excruciatingly slow but you also have no idea where the time you had spent were?”  
Wash pressed a kiss to Tucker’s forehead. 

“He lived a full life. A life full of love and family. And he got to see his boys grow up big and strong and got to see how much love they have in their own lives. He’s content, because he knows you’re gonna be okay.”

Tucker let out a sob and leaned more on Wash. He felt his body shaking as he tried to get a hold of his emotions.

Wash just held him close and tried to push all his love through his skin and into Tucker’s.

Tucker took a couple of deep breaths. “I’m sorry,” he whispered into Wash’s shoulder.

“You shouldn’t be.” Wash replied without a beat.

“Right, sorry.” Tucker shook his head. “I–” He chuckled humorlessly.

Wash just held him and wished he could take the pain away. But he knew how strong Tucker was, he’d pull through this.

Tucker breathed in a deep breath, slow and steady. He curled his body closer to Wash and tried to absorb strength. He vaguely recalled Wash telling him that he was strong whenever he was trying to calm Tucker during the panic attack. He didn’t feel strong right now.

“I’m so proud of you. It’s gonna be okay.”

“How?” Tucker choked out.

“It hurts so much right now because you love with your whole heart. And someone who loves so completely, they do because they know what it’s like to be alone, and you're afraid of losing the people you love. You don’t want to be alone anymore. And I know you're going to get through this because you're not alone. You’ve got Junior and Church and Caboose and Grif and Simmons And Carolina and you’ve got me.”

Tucker sniffed and nodded. He scrubbed his hands over his face to wipe away the tears that had escaped. “I have you,” He whispered to himself, not really meaning to say it out loud at all.

“Yeah you do. I know I’m not always myself, but I’ll never stop trying, and I’ll never leave you.”

Tucker nodded slowly and relaxed against Wash. He closed his eyes and tried to pretend that they weren’t in a hospital outside of his dying uncle’s room. He tried to melt everything else away so that it was just them.

They stayed like that for a while, till Ella exited with a solemn looking Junior.

Wash turned and nudged Tucker.

Junior looked at his feet, shuffling nervously until Tucker made a clicking noise to get his attention. He looked up at Tucker’s chin and watched him nod before running over, dropping to his knees, and hugging Tucker like a lifeline.

Tucker huffed in surprise, but recovered quickly enough, returning the embrace and leaning onto Wash for support.

**Author's Note:**

> playlists:  
> plot: http://8tracks.com/snorkletuckington/twenty-questions  
> wash: http://8tracks.com/snorkletuckington/cracks-in-the-mirror  
> tucker: http://8tracks.com/snorkletuckington/the-strongest-hearts-are-the-heaviest  
> felix: http://8tracks.com/snorkletuckington/please-don-t-stay-in-touch
> 
> wash: destielswingsmyheartacrosstheline  
> tucker: sarcastissa


End file.
